The Taste She Never Kept for Herself

NISHA JaGADISH

When I think of childhood, it isn’t toys or festivals that come rushing back; it’s the smell of fried fish. Back then, we lived in a big, bustling joint family with our grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins. That home always echoed of chatter, laughter, and the clatter of plates. 

The one thing that made those days different were that no matter how much food was cooked, it was never enough. Especially on days when there was chicken or fish fry. 

There were even battles disguised as meals! In those battles, someone always ended up sacrificing a piece for someone else.

But my grandmother had her own quiet way of making peace with it. 

After everyone finished eating, she would keep the iron tawa with its leftover masala and bits of crispy skin aside, as though saving a secret. 

Then, when the noise settled, she would pour steamed rice into that very pan and mix it very gently. 

The rice would turn golden with the spiced oil, carrying the soul of the fish fry even without the fish itself. That was her little moment of joy, her way of tasting the feast she had cooked and served with love.

But we children: always hungry, always watching, discovered this secret ritual of hers. And like little thieves of affection, we would crowd around her, wide-eyed and shameless. 

To our surprise, instead of scolding us, she’d smile: oh, that patient, knowing smile, and make a big rice ball, warm and fragrant, and place it in the centre of the plate. 

We’d dig in, giggling and fighting for every bite, while she watched us with contentment that now feels heavier than love, it feels like quiet sacrifice.

I wonder now, how many times might she have gone to bed without tasting that comforting mix of rice and leftover fish fry masala she longed for? 

How many times might she have hidden her own hunger behind that smile?

The memory still stays with each one of us. The memories wanting more, never feeling enough, and of togetherness. 

And now that rice ball mixed with spiced oil reminds me of love itself.

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Nisha Jagadish is an HR leader who blends strategy with empathy. She is from Calicut.

She is committed to building workplaces where people feel truly seen.

Outside of work, she finds balance in art, movement, and the unwavering strength of her close-knit family.

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The Illustration is generated using AI tools.